So another month has gone by and another period has started. More friends have announced that they are pregnant with their first, second, third, etc. Friends with babies younger then mine. I am so happy for them, you, that are pregnant. I am excited to see pictures, hear pregnancy woes and birth stories. I just wish that was the only emotion that I felt when I hear your exciting news. A small part of me feels so deeply sad for myself that I can hardly breath. Part of me feels like I did something to thoroughly anger Heavenly Father before I came to Earth and this is my punishment. I know myself, I can be pretty annoying and extremely perturbing. I also know that it doesn't work like that. I know the Lord is ever forgiving and that this trial is not a result of anything I've done in the past. It's for my betterment and experience. I know that but sometimes it's hard to believe it. It's hard to believe that I'm not getting pregnant because it's not the right time and so much easier to believe Satan's lie that I am not good enough to have more babies, I'm not a good enough mother, wife, or woman to be trusted with more precious spirits.
It is so hard because it is a constant battle, every moment of every day I have to almost physically push away the despair that is in constant threat of engulfing me and taking over. Part of the problem is the crazy hormones I'm taking to help me ovulate and also the hormones I naturally have coursing through my body, those lovely woman hormones that make all women a little bit crazy. Part of it is that fact my heart is not fully healed from the the two miscarriages I had last year. I still hurt and miss those babies every day. I miss what could have been. I'm not sure I will fully stop missing them but I know it'll get easier in time and when less hormones are making me nutty.
Until then I'll just count my blessings, push Satan away and enjoy my little miracle boy. Continue to pray for patience and strength, try to learn for this experience, and enjoy everyone elses' babies.
